No one ever tells you how hard it truly is to let out your feelings. For me, I thought that blogging may be good, but sometimes I sit here and I will write and write and then read it over and it's not what I want to say at all. I'm not sure if this is just part of the territory of being a very confused, sometimes sad teenager who is on the brink of adulthood; sometimes it feels like the positive, happy Molly that I have been since I was born may be slowly fading. Other times when I have a friend tell me that I am her source of sunshine on a cloudy day I get hope that maybe just on the inside I am graying, but for others, on the outside, I am still as bright and shining as I always have been. Then I realize that is not something I should be okay with. Why am I slowly feeling dark on the inside when I have never felt like that before? I think it is because I am not that little girl I used to be.
I was tomboy Molly; I played every sport possible, I liked to live in shorts and a t-shirt (even in the snow), I refused to wear any form of a dress or a skirt (this was always a problem around christmas, but my mom would always compromise with nice, dressy pants). I was not afraid of who I was. I think that I had 100 percent of my confidence in store. This past summer, as my cousin and I sat up on the roof deck of our beach house, a little bit drunk on the stars and wine, she told me how jealous she had been of me when were were younger. I always knew it was true, but I asked her why. She said, "Molly, you never understood, but so many of us were jealous because you always knew exactly who you were and exactly who you wanted to be. You had it all figured out at ten years old." This was a compliment; I was teary eyed as she was saying it, not because I was flattered, but because I had let society and so many other things take away that confidence of ten year old me.
As a 19 year old girl, it is extremely difficult to have any ounce of confidence in yourself. How can you when you are constantly being told you have to be super skinny and beautiful and allow guys to treat you like objects. What ever happened to "going steady" and "the first kiss" and "I love you" and all of it meaning something? I have learned to live in fiction, reading any book I can about gushy romance and young love. What do they say about a "desirable pain?" Well that's what those books are for me. They take me to a place where there is such thing as true love, fate, and destiny; which all seem to be lacking in the non-fiction. I finish a book and wake up in a world where relationships are on the brink of extinction for high school and college age kids and the idea of loving someone for their personality is a laughable thought. I don't want to be in a world where that is the case. For me, I choose La La Land.
Lately, I have been engrossed in my phone, but not because I have the facebook, instagram, or twitter app; I am always on my phone because of the books I have recently downloaded through the free books on iBook. I found a series that brings together an American boy with an Australian girl. Of course the reason they meet is destiny and they fall madly in love. Can you expect anything less? Of course not. The first book is called Saving Wishes and focuses on the main character, Charli, a difficult teenage girl from Australia. It's not so much that I like her character and her love story, but I love some of the things the book mentions. Charlie is a girl who lives in la la land. She grew up believing in magic and fairies and everything happening for a reason. In some ways she really reminds me of myself when I was ten years old. I read Harry Potter as if I was a character in the stories. I believed in the beauty of life and love and happiness and the magic of everything. So does Charli. She finds a boy who constantly tells her "I am in love with your mind." Lines like that make me cry.
All I want in this world is for someone to fall in love with my mind and the person I am on the inside. And then I realize that the grayness I have been feeling recently may hurt that magic inside of me. I know for a fact it is disturbing the person I used to be. It is so hard to admit that you don't have confidence in yourself, especially when you are a source for friends to go to in order to find confidence in themselves. I can only take so many times helping out friends who can't choose between multiple guys, or hear about not understanding why a guy likes them. All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell at them and tell them how lucky they are that a guy is actually paying attention to them and finally getting to know their personality which is beautiful. My la la land is where I find ten year old Molly again. It is where I know that one day I will find a man who looks into my eyes and sees me, the real me, with no grayness. He falls madly in love with my mind and my passions and knows me better than I ever could. My la la land seems so far away sometimes, but I know that I cannot let society and rejection take away from the light inside of me.
I am not a girl who wants a perfect ever after. I am a girl that wants to be acknowledged for her mind and not for her looks. I am a girl who wants to believe in magic and I know that that girl is way deep down inside of me, but it is not gone. I know this because sometimes I feel gray on the inside, but never black. I hope that one day my La La Land becomes my reality.
If you are reading this and relate, well thank you for understanding. I hope that one day someone falls in love with your mind just as much as you fall in love with theirs. Do not ever let the magic or the light inside you die out. Sometimes it fades, trust me I know, but do not let it die. I hope for the sake of everyone that magic never dies because how would we ever find our own La La lands?
