A Month out of Graduation and Ready to Settle?

Calling all recent college grads! I need your help!

So today, just a month out of graduating from George Washington University, I received two very different job offers. One was for the tech world, which is a place I definitely would not fit in. But I would do customer service and help little businesses get some customers through super cool website design. The pluses: I live at home, SAVE money, and have a good salary. The minuses: see above about me not being a techy, I want to save the world not through websites, not moving out. So I was ready to take this job, to settle for money, with the hopes of once again returning to save the world. (I interned at a gun violence prevention non profit, so I did get to save the world for a few months.) Anyways, I talked to my mom, decided hey cool I can study for the LSATS maybe and go to law school and SAVE so much money and do my parents diet that is working for them so well. 

But then, a few hours later, I get a call from this organization that does all types of canvassing for campaigns. Any type of progressive/democratic campaign, oh boy do they do it. Remember when Planned Parenthood was going to get defunded, well these hard working young individuals hit the streets to fundraise and save it. Cool, right?! Well I would be one of those hard working young individuals, working on the streets of a city, campaigning for literally everything I believe in. And then you find out the salary. Oh hey cool, I can totally live in one of the most expensive cities, pay rent, and eat all for 1,000 dollars a month! Totally doable! NOT. So I am offered somewhat of a dream job and I can't scream YES YES YES on the phone because I have to worry about my student loans and eating. Oh also did I mention it's 60-80 hour work weeks?

But then I started to really think about it and I realized it has been exactly a month and two days since I graduated. And I got two job offers. That's pretty great. Doesn't that mean if I keep applying there may be more? So this is where fellow millennials need to chime in. Do I take the first job offered to me? Is that how bad our job economy is, or do I keep applying hoping something that is the best of both worlds will arrive in a cute bundled up little email? I am so conflicted inside because I am being pulled in so many directions; money, doing something to change the country, pressure, goals, the future. How does one brain process all of this?! HELP ME! Of course, too, when I reached out to pretty much every person that is important to me for advice, they all said different things. "Take the job that's best for your goals," "Take the job that you will love!" "Screw money now you're young, go for the campaign!" It's easy enough for everyone else to say, but I have loans! I'm tired of going out at night and buying a beer and feeling guilty. I am tired of asking my parents for money.

So, millenials, why must I take the first or second job offered to me? Why can't I wait for the higher salary save the world job where I get to live at home? Why are we getting so good at settling? 

La La Land

No one ever tells you how hard it truly is to let out your feelings. For me, I thought that blogging may be good, but sometimes I sit here and I will write and write and then read it over and it's not what I want to say at all. I'm not sure if this is just part of the territory of being a very confused, sometimes sad teenager who is on the brink of adulthood; sometimes it feels like the positive, happy Molly that I have been since I was born may be slowly fading. Other times when I have a friend tell me that I am her source of sunshine on a cloudy day I get hope that maybe just on the inside I am graying, but for others, on the outside, I am still as bright and shining as I always have been. Then I realize that is not something I should be okay with. Why am I slowly feeling dark on the inside when I have never felt like that before? I think it is because I am not that little girl I used to be.

I was tomboy Molly; I played every sport possible, I liked to live in shorts and a t-shirt (even in the snow), I refused to wear any form of a dress or a skirt (this was always a problem around christmas, but my mom would always compromise with nice, dressy pants). I was not afraid of who I was. I think that I had 100 percent of my confidence in store. This past summer, as my cousin and I sat up on the roof deck of our beach house, a little bit drunk on the stars and wine, she told me how jealous she had been of me when were were younger. I always knew it was true, but I asked her why. She said, "Molly, you never understood, but so many of us were jealous because you always knew exactly who you were and exactly who you wanted to be. You had it all figured out at ten years old." This was a compliment; I was teary eyed as she was saying it, not because I was flattered, but because I had let society and so many other things take away that confidence of ten year old me.

As a 19 year old girl, it is extremely difficult to have any ounce of confidence in yourself. How can you when you are constantly being told you have to be super skinny and beautiful and allow guys to treat you like objects. What ever happened to "going steady" and "the first kiss" and "I love you" and all of it meaning something? I have learned to live in fiction, reading any book I can about gushy romance and young love. What do they say about a "desirable pain?" Well that's what those books are for me. They take me to a place where there is such thing as true love, fate, and destiny; which all seem to be lacking in the non-fiction. I finish a book and wake up in a world where relationships are on the brink of extinction for high school and college age kids and the idea of loving someone for their personality is a laughable thought. I don't want to be in a world where that is the case. For me, I choose La La Land.

Lately, I have been engrossed in my phone, but not because I have the facebook, instagram, or twitter app; I am always on my phone because of the books I have recently downloaded through the free books on iBook. I found a series that brings together an American boy with an Australian girl. Of course the reason they meet is destiny and they fall madly in love. Can you expect anything less? Of course not. The first book is called Saving Wishes and focuses on the main character, Charli, a difficult teenage girl from Australia. It's not so much that I like her character and her love story, but I love some of the things the book mentions. Charlie is a girl who lives in la la land. She grew up believing in magic and fairies and everything happening for a reason. In some ways she really reminds me of myself when I was ten years old. I read Harry Potter as if I was a character in the stories. I believed in the beauty of life and love and happiness and the magic of everything. So does Charli. She finds a boy who constantly tells her "I am in love with your mind." Lines like that make me cry.

All I want in this world is for someone to fall in love with my mind and the person I am on the inside. And then I realize that the grayness I have been feeling recently may hurt that magic inside of me. I know for a fact it is disturbing the person I used to be. It is so hard to admit that you don't have confidence in yourself, especially when you are a source for friends to go to in order to find confidence in themselves. I can only take so many times helping out friends who can't choose between multiple guys, or hear about not understanding why a guy likes them. All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell at them and tell them how lucky they are that a guy is actually paying attention to them and finally getting to know their personality which is beautiful. My la la land is where I find ten year old Molly again. It is where I know that one day I will find a man who looks into my eyes and sees me, the real me, with no grayness. He falls madly in love with my mind and my passions and knows me better than I ever could. My la la land seems so far away sometimes, but I know that I cannot let society and rejection take away from the light inside of me.

I am not a girl who wants a perfect ever after. I am a girl that wants to be acknowledged for her mind and not for her looks. I am a girl who wants to believe in magic and I know that that girl is way deep down inside of me, but it is not gone. I know this because sometimes I feel gray on the inside, but never black. I hope that one day my La La Land becomes my reality.

If you are reading this and relate, well thank you for understanding. I hope that one day someone falls in love with your mind just as much as you fall in love with theirs. Do not ever let the magic or the light inside you die out. Sometimes it fades, trust me I know, but do not let it die. I hope for the sake of everyone that magic never dies because how would we ever find our own La La lands?

Standing on the Edge of Some Crazy Cliff

Well hello again. Today I am going to share with you wonderful people a little something I wrote for a creative writing class. As it says in my mini bio, I am in love with Holden Caulfield, or more accurately, The Catcher in the Rye. You may have also noticed that my url is standingontheedgeofsomecrazycliff. There may be some inaccurate depictions of what that stands for. No I am not someone who wants to jump off a cliff literally, but maybe metaphorically. This line comes from The Catcher in the Rye and is also the title of the poem I wrote. The poem is a pantoum, meaning it repeats lines from different stanzas in a pattern. When I got this assignment, I had no idea what I was going to write it about. My teacher gave us a few prompts. He said take lines from your favorite songs or poems or books and rework them so that it tells the story you want it to tell. Well that's exactly what I did. I wrote Standing on the Edge of Some Crazy Cliff by taking some really important lines from Holden and reorganizing them so that they tell a completely different story about The Catcher in the Rye; it ultimately became my own view of how the book really turns out. Many argue that Holden is extremely depressed with mental illnesses, but I view it in a different light. The fact that he wants to stand at the edge of the cliff and catch children before they have to leap into adulthood is so beautiful. I tried to emphasize this in my poem. The poem starts off with depression and sadness, with no sunlight, but slowly the narrator (could be Holden, could be me) comes to a realization, and that is when the sunlight comes back. I know I previously made a post about growing up. I think that this poem really emphasizes my thoughts on that topic again. That jump off that cliff is very, very scary. In this though, I separate myself from Holden. I do eventually want to jump and no longer stand on the edge. However, there is nothing wrong with Holden for wanting to stay there and be the Catcher. Now I will leave you with the poem. I ask that you read it with an open mind; one that does not have biases against the novel or the character. Maybe you will see the beauty in Salinger's words, just as I have. 

Standing on the Edge of Some Crazy Cliff

It’s not too bad when the sun’s out.

But the sun only comes out when it feels like coming out.

It’s terrible.

It made you depressed.

But the sun only comes out when it feels like coming out.

I can’t stand it.

It made you depressed.

I don’t get hardly anything out of anything.

I can’t stand it.

People never think anything is anything.

I don’t get hardly anything out of anything.

It didn’t seem like anything was coming.

People never think anything is anything.

Sometimes you get tired of riding in taxicabs the same way you get tired riding in elevators.

It didn’t seem like anything was coming.

Then a funny thing happened.

Sometimes you get tired of riding in taxicabs the same way you get tired riding in elevators.

I couldn’t understand it.

Then a funny thing happened.

I didn’t give a damn how I looked.

I couldn’t understand it.

It made me feel better.

I didn’t give a damn how I looked.

But the sun still wasn’t out.

It made me feel better.

I didn’t know where the hell to go.

But the sun still wasn’t out.

I didn’t even know where I was going.

I didn’t know where the hell to go.

Then, finally, I found it.

I didn’t even know where I was going.

And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff.

Then, finally, I found it.

I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff.

And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff.

I mean how do you know what you’re going to do till you do it?

I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff.

I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.

I mean how do you know what you’re going to do till you do it?

That’s all I’d do all day.

I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.

I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

That’s all I’d do all day.

It wasn’t too bad when the sun was out.

I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

It’s terrible.

It wasn’t too bad when the sun was out.

It’s not too bad when the sun’s out.

copyright By, Molly O'Connor 

I hope that you enjoyed reading and hopefully re-reading this poem by me. It has a lot of meaning to me, along with the novel, so please do not use this as your own work for a class. Take the time to write something of your own because I promise that eventually you will write something that is truly beautiful, even if it's only beautiful to yourself, it does not matter. 

Be original.

Molly

P.S. Please post any comments about the poem or anything else. Even if it is critical!

Moving in and Moving up

Our living area!

Well blogoshpere, I have officially moved into my new home...for the time being. It is my sophomore dorm. Everyone complains about their college dorm rooms, but I love mine a lot. It's so cute and I got all my decorations from the wonderful Ikea. I have a kitchen, a walk in closet, a living area, and a bedroom. Granted I have to share this space with one other person, but luckily we chose each other and we're friends, so fear not! I am happy.

Before I left I kept hearing from older and wiser sources telling me that sophomore year is ten times better than freshman year; that you meet your actual friends, and you finally find your place at university. Boy do I hope this is true. Freshman year was tough for me. I have always been a friendly outgoing person and never had difficulty in finding friends (although now that I reflect, maybe I made some questionable decisions in the early teen years). For some reason though, it just wasn't working out. For the first few months I completely fooled myself in thinking that I was okay with being "fake friends" with my roommates and the people on my floor, but soon it caught up to me and I was really upset. I loved my school and the city I was in, but I was missing out on good friends.

Soon I found that I was basically whoring myself out to find good people to hangout with. I was constantly the one texting a group of girls I found to be nice asking them to hangout and to get meals with me. They were great. Similar to me and I got a long really well with them. Today I guess I am part of their group. Freshman year ended with tears (from them) and happiness (from me) to get home to my true best friend. I don't look back and regret any of my freshman year because I do understand how lucky I am to have what I have. However I will definitely not give up on trying to find more friends.

That's why I go into sophomore year with an exciting buzz. Maybe I will find my future husband (hahahahah jokes) or maybe some more really great friends. Just last weekend I met a really cool brazilian girl who I definitely hit it off with right away. We have already gotten lunch and we have a class together so I'm hoping that it is a potential friend. The problem with my group of friends now is that they seem to have given up on finding anyone else and I'm kind of the opposite. I want to go out whenever I can and meet new people because in my eyes, every student, all 10,000 of them, is someone that could be a really special person in my life. It stinks that my friends now are settled because I am restless. I want more people than just six girls. I think it would be great to also add guys to our group.

I have always been much more into having guy friends because I seem to have better conversations with them, but guys don't really like to pursue a friendship with me because I am not "hot." I really thought this would end in college, but apparently it doesn't for me (I must be really ugly). I know that there are people, guys in particular, out there who would love me for me. I know this because I can feel it. I just have not stumbled upon those people yet. Sometimes it's really hard and I feel really low, but I keep trying. I'm not a giving up type.

So here's to a new year, a new semester, and a new me. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I really hope that my sophomore year is one of my best! Oh and I hope I get someone to snuggle with in my really comfortable bed!

Thanks for reading,
Molly

Growing Up

A few weeks ago I read a book called Girls in White Dresses. Seeing as I am obsessed with everything to do with weddings, I decided I would like it. And I did. Except it wasn't really about weddings. More of life after college and through your 20's and 30's. Basically it's a book about growing up which lately has been on my mind about 16/7 (the other 8 hours are designated for sleeping, but even then I sometimes have dreams about it). I am afraid. I said it. I am 19 years old and I am so so afraid of letting go of my childhood. To this day, I would rather drive in my parents car with them instead of taking my own car. This isn't because I hate driving, it's because I feel like a little kid again sitting in the back seat. I also cried for a week when my parents decided to paint my house last summer. To be fair, my whole life living in my house, it has been yellow with a green door and green shutters. They wanted to paint it white with a red door and black shutters. I mean that is a lot of change especially when you are about to leave for the scariest year of your life...Freshman year of college.

So back to growing up. Last night, I went out to dinner for a goodbye/birthday dinner for one of my close friends from high school. Sitting there watching and listening to everyone I started thinking that within the next ten years most of us would be married and some of us may even have kids. When you start having these thoughts you start having panic attacks (not really, again I am exaggerating). But I mean it is really scary stuff. The most contradicting thing about it though is the fact that ALL I do is talk about meeting my husband and having kids and how that will be the best times of my life. But nights like last night make me sit back and really think about it. Do I want to wish away nights of sitting in my best friends car until midnight singing at the top of our lungs and talking about growing up? No because maybe I am slowly realizing that not just one period of your life can be your "best years." I think that in the end it is the littlest moments that we will never forget because the smallest things make us the happiest.

I don't think I need to be afraid to grow up, I also don't think I need to focus so much of my attention on the future. I need to stop worrying that I am not going to have a husband ever and instead will live with my 18 cats (that will always be a fear, but I will continue to work on overcoming it). Because when I look at my life from the outside I am probably one of the luckiest people out there. I have a family that is crazy and quirky, but is perfect to me. I have found a soul mate in my best friend that I know will forever be there and I have been given opportunities that have opened my eyes to what the world has to offer. I don't think that there should be any fear left in me (except of spiders of course) because if my future, adult life is anything like the past 19 years then I am one lucky person.

Girls in White Dresses highlights every single fear that I discussed and in the end the books ends happily. Not a stupid cheesy ending where everyone is married and has 3 kids and a perfect job. No. Everyone is stable in what they are doing and they are happy even if their boyfriend only eats easy mac. It doen't matter because happiness is a powerful thing and you know what. Sitting at that dinner table last night and looking at the group of friends I have always taken for granted, I realized how truly happy I was to be there,  but also how excited I was to experience the future with them. I may have cried at the end of Girls in White Dresses but i don't think it was because I was scared, I think it was because I realized I could be any of the "Girls in White Dresses" and I would be happy.

Thanks for listening again, whoever you are. Remember to be yourself because that's when you'll truly be happy!

Lot's of love,
Molly

P.S. Read Girls in White Dresses by Jennifer Close. Hopefully you won't be disappointed.

The Quest to be Indie

Hey bloggers and random people who accidentally end up on my page, I just wanted to thank you for being here, no matter how you got here. This is my first post and it is inspired by something I did today that I am ashamed of, yet I think it may have been ultimately good for my psyche. Okay so that may be kind of extreme, but I am a teenager and I am allowed to exaggerate.

So today, while I was working at the carousel (yes I am a carousel attendant at the zoo) I decided to google "how to be indie." I admit, it was a low, even for me. For the past few months, maybe even years, I have wanted to change my style. Growing up in a place where the it item was either Lily Pulitzer, Lacoste, Ralph Lauren, or J. Crew really messed with my inner Molly. The styles I had thought defined me turned out to be styles that defined my town as a whole, so yeah blame me all you want, but I wanted a change. Ultimately, I think this all happened when I decided to go to GW. It is crawling with people trying to be hipster or indie and you know what, I wanted to try too.

After many trips to the Goodwill in the next town over, I slowly began to realize that you cannot just become indie. What even is indie? This all lead to my google search today. It brought me to a wikihow page with the title "How to be an Indie Girl in 5 Steps." I read this how to guide as the carousel went round and round and the carnival music that I've learned to block out played in the background. Of course the wiki said to dress like you don't care, but you actually do care and put a lot of effort into it. Wear crazy accessories that define you, wear your hair au natural (yeah right, have you ever heard of friz?), and listen to "Indie" music. Okay. Well...yeah easy enough. NOT.

I think that one of the things that stood out to me most on that wiki page was the actual definition of Indie and where it came from. Indie comes from Independent Record Label, which basically is all the people who wanted to play their music back in the day, but they wanted to do it their own way, to be different. Honestly, I applaud those people because they WERE different, but me trying to be Indie and follow the "suggested" way to be indie is the exact opposite of different and the philosophy of being independent.

I've finally realized that just because I wear flowing skirts with converse or vintage 90's sweaters with Doc Martens does not mean I am being Indie. However, if I do feel comfortable in quirky things like that, then that is ok. Sometimes I like to wear my pastel colored pants and sometimes I like to wear my DIY cuttoff jeans made from my dad's old college pants. Whatever as long as I am truly being myself and representing my inner "spirit" I don't care what I am wearing or what kind of style people think I have. I do know now that I am going to stick to the Indie Philosophy of being self representative; of showing my uniqueness because guess what? No one else is me.

Thanks for listening to me ramble and also coming on my quest to be indie. Hopefully you don't think I'm too crazy, but hey I'm me and that's all that matters.

Much love,
Molly

P.S. Here's the link to the wikihow...
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Indie